


Hetalia Shorts

by TurnaboutPersona



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, Incorrect Quotes, Mild Language, Nekotalia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29273727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurnaboutPersona/pseuds/TurnaboutPersona
Summary: The premise is incorrect quotes for Hetalia and maybe sprinkle in some original fics that I think are too short on its own.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	1. Make Philippines Look Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene comes from Brooklyn 99.

“Hey Phil, you have that document my boss needs to sign?” said Australia, walking up to where his friend, the Philippines was currently sitting.

Philippines was browsing through his phone, he grabbed the document Australia needed and handed it to him without looking up from his screen during the whole exchange. The Aussie country took the document, staring at his Asian ally strangely. He tried waving his hand in front of him, but the Philippines still had his eyes glued to his screen.

~*~

Australia quickly gathered his cool friends: Prussia, Denmark, South Korea, and America. He checked to see if Philippines was still on his phone (he was), and turned to address the group.

“Alright mates, Philippines hasn’t looked up from his phone in two hours. Whichever one of us gets him to look up gets the equivalent of 10 Australian dollars from the losers.”

“6.35 Euros each? Eh, sure.” Prussia shrugged.

“I don’t mean to brag,” S Korea said with a smirk, “but Philippines and I are best friends, I’ve even seen his butt.”

Everyone in the friend group looked at the Asian country with a quizzical look as S Korea strided towards the Philippines.

~*~

“Hey Hubae.” S Korea greeted.

Before he could take another step closer, Philippines grabbed whatever was closest to him, which was a stapler, and threw it at the other nations crotch. All without a single glance from his phone.

“Ok, you’re busy, I get it.” S Korea breathlessly said. He went back to the others while cradling his wounded pride.

~*~

It was Australia's turn and his plan was to play some loud music from his phone.

“Big meeting dance party!”

As the music played, Philippines was bopping to the beat and swaying in his seat. But he still didn’t look up.

“He’s dancing better than normal.” Australia remarked.

~*~

Prussia walked up to the country of Southeast, “Oh Mein Gott, Philly, did you hear? Spain got in an accident.”

“Who dat?” replied the Philippines, still continuing to scroll through his phone.

~*~

Denmark's plan was simple. He’ll use an air horn. The sound of the sudden noise made everyone in the room jump in surprise, as well as made India spill his coffee. But Philippines didn’t budge.

~*~

After four failed attempts the awesome band of friends were ready to call it quits.

“I guess Philippines will never look at another human being ever again.” Australia lamented.

“Not so fast.” America chimed in, phone in hand, “The Hero always finds a way to win.”

After he said that, Philippines stood up from his seat and looked at America, appalled, “Mr America, are you kidding me!?”

Everyone in the group looked astounded and impressed that the American was able to accomplish the seemingly herculean task.

“Changed my relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’.” America smugly explained, “Pony up, ya’ll!”

The rest of the group groaned and started to take out their wallets. As they did that, the winning nation did his little victory dance to rub it in the other nations faces. While America continued his showboating, he didn’t notice the Philippines making a call on his phone.

_Brring, Brring_

America checked his caller ID, still doing a little groove, “Oh hey, it’s Mexico.” he accepted the call, “Hey Mex! What?... No… No, no, no! Mex, babe, it was a mistake. My thumb slipped!” The American suddenly went silent and turned towards his friends with a neutral expression, “...I have to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not entirely sure whether South Korea or Philippines is older but I think SK would assume he's the older one and would address the Phlippines as Hubae(it's a title for someone younger than you.)
> 
> America x Mexico isn't going to be a thing. I figured Philippines would be outraged enough to look up his phone if it had something to do with his sister.


	2. Philly's Nuclear Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This comes from a Game Grumps vs SuperMega episode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my headcannon of which country plays which Mario character:  
> America-Yoshi  
> Canada-Peach  
> S Korea-Dry Bones  
> Philly-Bowser

Canada and America were at the latter’s house. They were playing Super Mario Party along with South Korea and the Philippines. It was a 2v2 match, the North Americans vs the Asian Nations.

The Philippines was able to get closer to the star on his turn, with the North American team being pretty far behind.

“Oh fuck you Philly.” America cursed out.

“Mr America watch your fucking mouth.” the Philippines responded.

“Yeah America,” said S Korea, “you can’t curse in front of him, he’s baby.”

“Yeah I’m baby.” agreed Philippines, “I’m like nine or some shit.”

While the Asian Nations were doing their little bit, totally distracted, America landed on an event space. As he landed on it, one of the Mario characters, a Lakitu, floated down to the board and offered to steal a star or coins from the other team. Of course he was going to pay for it to steal their stars.

“You’re just jealous that I’m close to tasting that sweet, sweet star.”

“You want to fuck us so bad, it makes you look stupid.”

The two Asians were still doing their bit, not noticing what their American friend did on his turn. But his Canadian brother did.

“Oh?”

“They didn’t notice, so don’t worry.” he said to Canada.

“Okay.”

“Don’t make a scene.”

They didn’t say their short conversation in whispers, so S Korea and Philippines were able to hear them. To their horror, when they paid their attention back to the screen, they saw the Lakitu descending down upon S Korea’s Dry Bones and nabbing one of their stars and into the waiting arms of America’s Yoshi.

“No!” exclaimed S Korea.

_**“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”** _

“Come. On. Guys!”

The room soon erupted into chaos.

“Fuck you guys!” S Korea said.

“What? I didn’t do anything.” America said innocently.

“Fuck you!” the Koren exclaimed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“I’m leaving! I’m leaving our fucking trade agreement!”

“Why are you being so weird!?”

“We worked hard for those stars!”

“Well, I worked hard trying to steal it, okay?”

“Nobody likes a thief!” the Philippines interjected, “My bike got stolen this week, you remind me of the person who stole my fucking bike right now.”

“Alright, well I’m sorry but that’s your problem though.” America responded back.

“Well, with the way you play the game, maybe you stole my fucking bike.” Philippines accused.

“Well maybe I did, how ‘bout that?” retorted the accused nation.

While America and the Philippines were bickering back and forth, Canada was able to acquire another star for team North America.

“Cool, a star.” he said nonchalantly.

“Oh fuck you, Canada.” S Korea said in a defeated tone.

“I’m putting you down in the police report.” Philippines said to a giggling America.

“He looked tall, dumb, and stupid, and he had a dumb cowlick sticking out of his hair.” the American said, pretending to be Philippines, “And he used to be my boss named Alfred Freedom Jones.”

“But more so than my boss, I thought he was my friend.” said the Filipino, “And I think that’s what’s most disappointing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Philippines may be baby but he's actually older than America and Canada, he just has a really cute face.


	3. Americat wants treats!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Americat and there should be more Nekotalia content.  
> Also I named America's cat Teddy.

America was finished with his work for the day and he is using his free time relaxing on his couch in his living room. The nation wanted to unwind with a video game, but he felt like having a lazy day after going through piles and piles of paperwork, so his solution was to play Animal Crossing. He was ready to get lost in a world of cute animals and meaningless chores, when-

“Meow!” (I want treats!)

America sighed, “Goddamnit.”

He loves his cat. He really does, but just like his owner he can be a real glutton. That’s why America kept the cat treats in the upper cabinet, to keep Teddy from scarfing it down and ruining his diet. Unfortunately, that’s not going to stop him from getting what he wants.

“Meow! Meow! Meow!” (Treats! Treats! Treats!)

The American got up from the nice, cozy nook that he made on the couch to walk into the kitchen to deny his cat any treats. He found Teddy scratching up the lower cabinets, cause he’s too heavy to jump up onto the counter. Teddy looked up at his owner expectantly.

“Meow.” (I want snackies.)

America put his hands on his hips, “I already told you, you’re on a diet. No treats.”

“Meow!” (Yes we can!) “Meow!” (I will find a way!) Teddy continued to scratch up the cabinets.

“No, Teddy, stop that.” America said in agitation.

(This is a test of wills, for which I shall win!) The cat ignored his owner, determined to have his treats.

“ _ Pss _ ”

Teddy jumped in surprise. He looked at his owner with betrayal, as if America physically struck him. (Father is incapable of love? Father is incapable of compassion? To use such a villainous action, please have mercy.)

Thinking that he had won over his cat, America walked back to the couch to continue earning Bells to pay off his debts. He thought there would be no further interruptions, until-

“Meow! Meow! Meow!” (Treats! Treats! Treats!)


	4. Germouser's Morning Musings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lazy morning in Germany's household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed that America has been in three of the chapters so far, so I'm mixing it up by writing my other fav character Germany. Still kinda nekotalia tho.  
> I wanted to have Germany-cat and Prussia-cat to have matching names, so they're called Schoko and Vanille (chocolate and vanilla basically), cause that's my headcanon.

Germany awoke and went through his morning routine as usual. He made breakfast, as well as filled up the dogs’ food bowl. As he set down some food for the cat, said cat came through the dog door from outside. Germany sometimes wonders what his little Schoko gets up to during his morning walk, but since he always comes back in time for his morning meal, Germany decided it’s not much for him to worry over.

But he still wonders. His big brother, Prussia, said he'd seen Schoko meet up with a bunch of other cats the other day. _Like some kind of cat meeting_ , Germany thought in amusement, _but that would be ridiculous_.

Schoko diligently ate his food, leaving no bite uneaten. ‘It’s important to not waste food, you don’t know when you’ll get your next meal’, that’s what his older brother had told him. After he left his dish spotless, he walked up to his master to report on his morning walk.

“Miau.” (I have confirmed that today is safe once again of any trouble doings.)

Germany was sitting in the kitchen chair, he was halfway through eating his sausages when his cat alerted him of his attention.

“Miau.” (There will be no trouble walking the dogs today.)

The German man bent down from his seat to scratch his cat behind his ear, which Schoko took as a job well done. Schoko was suddenly hit with a nostalgic feeling. He remembered being so little, he was always wary of his surroundings. Fortunately, he had an older brother who protected him when he was just a kitten. Then as he grew older, he was adopted by this kind man, and he devoted himself to protecting his household. His master, the three gentle dogs, the loud human who also lives in the house that sneaks him treats sometimes; they are all close to his heart.

The only thing that would make his home feel complete, was if his brother joined him. Sadly, in his brother’s words, he is too used to the life of an alleycat, but Schoko will still hope. For now he is content knowing he is safe whenever he gets to talk to him during his morning walks.

Schoko was taken away from his musings. He is very grateful for this man and he wanted to show his gratitude. The cat rolled onto his back to show the man his belly.

“Miau.” (I am showing you my belly as an act of submission.) “Miau.” (I will allow you to look, but you shall not touch.)

Germany looked at the black cat that was lying at his feet. He told himself that this is a trick. He can't pet the expanse of Schoko’s fluffy, soft, adorable belly. It never ends well for the nation.

But he’s being so cute right now.

No.

It looks so soft.

No.

…

Maybe just this once.

The nation gently laid his hand on Schoko’s belly, which was quickly ensnared into the cat's claws.

“Miau!” (You fool! I told you to look, not touch!)

“Verdammt!” Germany exclaimed in pain, “I knew it! Why do I never learn!?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why are you so serious little one? You are but a little creature


	5. Swinging Aussie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene comes from Family Guy.

The Australian was swinging back and forth, forth and back with the new swing he tied up to the tree in his backyard. He was having a grand ol’ time with it, leaving his little micronation to impatiently wait at the side.

“Aussie, I want a turn on the swing set.” said Wy, her patience starting to wear thin.

“No.” Australia simply said back.

“But you’ve gone for two turns!” she whined.

“Rack off.” he said dismissively.

“It looks like fun and I want to do it.” Wy huffed in irritation. Australia is her parent nation, he’s older than her. And yet, the Aussie was acting like the child that she looks to be.

“No, I’m doing it. I’m gonna do a big jump off.” Australia readied himself to jump off the swing as soon as it was at its highest point. Once the swing was in position, the Aussie launched himself into the air but he wasn’t fast enough to be ready to stick the landing, so he ended up crashing onto the ground. When he landed, Australia thought he heard a crunch, yeah he definitely broke something.

“Ow!” Australia exclaimed in pain, “Wy, get Zea!”

“MUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!” the micronation hollered as she ran across the yard and into the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wy: New Zealand, Australia got hurt. I think he might be dead.  
> New Zealand, tired because this is the fifth time this week and it isn't even Tuesday: Let him die.
> 
> Do Australians also say mum for mom?


	6. America Grills his Foot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene comes from The Office and would definitely happen to America.

The G20 meeting was about to start and everyone was accounted for. Everyone except America and Mexico. Mexico, Germany can understand, she’s always late. It’s in her nature, to both countries’ dismay. If she wasn’t able to make it, she would have called him. However, despite how childish he can be, America would have been one of the first countries to arrive. Since Mexico has not shown up yet, Germany went to ask Canada for the American’s well being.

“Canada, guten Morgen.” he greeted.

“Oh, Germany, good morning.” Canada greeted back.

“Have you seen America yet?”

“You haven’t seen him either, eh?”

If Canada hasn’t seen him, he must be running late. Just then, Germany heard his phone ring.

“Excuse me.” he said to Canada before answering his phone, “Hallo, Germany speaking.”

“Dude, it’s America! SOS! I need help right now!” With how loud he was speaking Canada was able to hear his brother. And what America said made both Germany and Canada worried.

“America, what’s wrong?” the German said, keeping his voice leveled. He doesn't want to cause a panic.

“I’m hurt. I have hurt myself.” America answered. Canada put his ear closer to the phone Germany was holding. “Fuck me running. Goddamnit!” he heard through the phone.

“America?” said Canada, his worry growing for his brother.

“This ain’t lookin’ good, dude.” America answered to no one.

“America, that sounds like you need an ambulance.” said Germany, “Do you need an ambulance?”

The Canadian gently elbowed the man, “No, he has shitty healthcare.”

“No! I want you to pick me up.” America replied.

“Okay,” said Germany.

“Argh!”

“But I thought you said you were hurt.”

“I am hurt. I hurt my foot. Just come get me.”

Canada put the phone on speaker, tired of having to huddle so close to Germany to be able to hear his brother.

“Oh God, why’d ya gotta fuck me like this?!” America’s exclamation rang throughout the room. It had everyone quiet down, wondering what was going on. Eyes landing on the two blond nations. “And no lube. Fuck!”

 _Well if he’s acting like this, he’s probably just being dramatic_ , thought Canada. It was able to ease his worries but he was still concerned for his brother.

“America, explain, really loudly, what happened?” said the Northern nation.

“‘Kay. Ugh! I burned my foot. Very badly. On my Foreman Grill, I need someone to bring me to the conference.” his brother answered.

The two nations on the phone looked at each other in disbelief at what the American’s words. The other nations listening around them also looked confused.

“You burned your _foot_ on a Foreman Grill.” Canada said, mostly to himself as he was trying to process what his brother just said.

“I don’t need to take this shit, Canada. Okay? I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon. Sue me! And I don’t have Romano or Lithuania anymore, so I gotta do it myself. Before I go to bed, I lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It’s good. It’s delicious. It’s a perfect way to start the day.” America ranted, “But today, I stepped on my grill and it clamped on my foot. Germany, can you come get me?”

Germany, too flabbergasted to be disappointed in America’s stupidity, replied, “I can’t, I’m hosting today.”

“Can someone get me?” America begged, “Britain?”

Germany and Canada looked at England. Upon hearing his name, England silently shook his head at the two nations, not wanting to be roped up in his ex-colony’s situation.

“America, you should probably stay home and rest.” France suggested.

“I ain’t got any toilet paper here. Can Britain- Tell England to bring toilet paper. Can you tell him that?”

England held his folder over his face, as if he was hiding from America if he were here in person.

“Have ya tried hopping?!” Australia yelled from where he was standing.

“Yes, I’ve tried hopping, Australia.” America said in an irritated tone, “And I bumped my elbow against the wall, and now my elbow… has a protuberance.” The room filled with quiet and stifled laughter. “No one wants to pick me up?!” America exclaimed distressed.

Just then, Mexico arrived and said her usual, “Sorry for being late.” However she quickly noticed that no one was talking and had their attention towards the two blond nations, the German man still holding his phone.

“What’s going on?” the Latina asked, walking over to Germany and Canada.

“Er, America is ‘sick’ and he wants one of us to rescue him.” replied Germany.

“I’m not sick!” the American retorted.

“Oh no, States! Don’t worry, I’ll come get you.” she started to make her way back out of the room.

“Don’t! Is that- Don’t- I do not want Mexico!” America exclaimed.

“I’m coming, States!” Mexico yelled out as she left.

“No, I don’t want you to come, Mexico! I don’t want Mexico!” the American sounded more distressed, “Just, please, someone come get me. Anyone but Mexico.”

But Mexico had already left the conference room. Then everyone heard a sudden crash coming from outside and they all made their exit to assess what had happened. Once outside, they found Mexico had crashed her car into a pole when she was driving out of the parking lot in her rush. However, she seemed unaffected. Instead she backed up her car and kept driving out onto the road, leaving her bumper lying where she crashed.

“‘Ey, Mex! You forgot ya bummer!” Australia called out.

“Hello?” America said, still on Germany’s speaker phone, “Don’t send Mexico.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda didn't like how this came out but it's the best I could do.


End file.
